One of Those Days

I hate it when I wake up and feel like something is wrong,
something is off and my gut is in a knot
my head feels funny
it's like I'm on the verge of barfing
and the world is going by
sometimes at breakneck speed
and other times
with the speed of tree sap in winter
something is gnawing at the base of my mind
and I feel uneasy
and irritable
and downright pissy
but I'm an adult
so I smile
I put my best foot forward (whichever that is)
and I fight the urge to run away
to hide
to drink and smoke
and forget this feeling
and no body seems to notice that I feel (what is it exactly that I feel)
I'm not sure but nobody notices
and I endure
I guess it's just
one of those days

I've got a verse

Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;
let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more – Proverbs 31:6 – 7

so tonight I drink
I’ve got a verse
so screw you
I know what the Spiritually constipated think
and they can go fuck themselves

The pain that I feel cuts to my innermost parts
The pain that I feel belongs to another
but because we are called to love one another
I feel this pain
I feel it like it was my own
and I can’t fix it
and this pisses me off
and makes me sad
So I will drink my our pain away

And tomorrow the sun will rise
and we’ll do this again
But I have a verse…

more daughter writing

Change Your Mind

i remember when
we first met
i never would have thought
we were so alike

i saw the pain
behind your eyes
i knew that pain
a part of my life

immediately
we became best of friends
i had finally found
exactly what i'd been looking for

i helped you
i became an ear to listen
a shoulder to cry on
a friend to love

in turn you helped me
you gave me purpose
to you
i was good enough

never had i experienced
such meaning
this friendship
seemed so right

i became dependent
perhaps too much
but this i didn't see
for things went so smoothly

then i was hit with a brick
you left
you placed walls
which i could not understand

you told me
you were unreliable
that caring for people
will only get you hurt

you broke my heart
and my world was devastated
i had to come to love
this friendship

but you couldn't let go
you came back
promising me
never to do that again

i believed you
things would be different now
i trusted you
that you would fix this mess

as time continued
we had our ups
those terrific times
in which my life couldn't be better

but the downs came too
the nights of abandonment
of wondering
what was wrong with me

what could make a friend
do that to another
what happened to love
to compassion

what happened to
i need you
and ill always be there for you
where were you now

i want to believe you
every time you apologize
i want to believe you
when you say you'll try

you have those moments
of awakening
your heart breaks for me
and you set forth to improve

but how long will it last
a week? a day?
how long until something else
replaces your consciousness

i am worn out
i would do anything
to change your mind
to get your attention

i blame myself
i should have never become
so dependent
but how couldn't i?

there's no denying
we have a connection
nobody else gets me
like you do

i am on my knees
i have lost my dignity
i am begging for you
to see what's been lost

i cry for you to want it
to need it like i do
i want it
i need it

i won't let go
i can't let go
i have nowhere else to go
no one else to go to

this is my final cry
prove yourself to me
prove that this friendship
means anything

i want you to want me
in your life
i want you to need me
as a friend

please
don't let me be
another name
another friend forgotten

Despair

I came across this in book of Celtic blessings and couldn't resist posting it. I thought it was just that good.
Here's what it says:


(Despair can be caused by crushing disappointments. Often, however, it is caused by painful experiences that lie deeply buried beneath the surface of our everyday consciousness. Sometimes, sanity-destroying flashbacks bring these to mind. If You get such a flashback, focus on the image of Christ being crucified, and say a blessing on yourself in this pit of despair.)

Christ of the agony
Christ of the bleeding
Christ racked and stretched out on the Tree
I place upon you my own agony
I place upon you my bleeding heart
I place upon you my despair.

Take it
Break it
Remake it
Your Tree of death became the Tree of Life;
Give your blessing of life to me.

daughter's writing

the breakdown of a breakdown

it starts with a thought
just a simple notion
then you can't let it go--
and this is the part where it all falls apart

your mind becomes wrapped
warped with this idea
twisting and turning it
until it consumes you

that initial lump forms
you try to swallow
it chokes you up--
and this is the part where it all falls apart

trying not to blink
letting everything blur
gripping your sides
holding back the heaves

that first tear falls
followed by more
the Breakdown has awakened--
and this is the part where it all falls apart

caught up in the moment
everything else disappears
consumed by that thought
this is your reality

searching for reassurance
there has to be some sense of light
frantically finding nothing--
and this is the part where it all falls apart

vulnerable and alone
embarrassed to have reached
such a weak state
this cannot be you

this lasts a brief period
the tears run dry
the body's worn down--
yes, this is what happens when it all falls apart

deep breath
its broken and uneven
wipe off your face
and compose yourself

some relief appears
having let out the Breakdown
its gone for now--
that is--the part where it all falls apart

My Harley

There is something special about my Harley
She was the One for me
I remember the day I walked into the showroom floor
I had been there many times before
And couldn’t make up my mind
Then the day came
My inheritance came
So I went to the dealership
And I saw her
And I bought her

Now I feel free every time I mount her
Every time the wind is in my face
When I am freezing
When I am sunburned
When I have traveled 700 miles
When I am alone
When I am riding two-up
I am free
and happy

Today I rode
and I smiled
I stopped
and I loved
I shared
and I was full

There is something about my Harley
that is therapy
for me
and for others
I look forward to many more sessions.

More from my daughter

She's just so good I've gotta post her stuff

one

one drop can overflow a glass--
streaming down the edge
racing across the condensation
sliding through the table cracks
puddling on the floor.

it doesn't take much
after years of burrowed pardons
to reach the breaking point.
it only takes
one.

second chance - by my daughter

everyday the sun will rise,
and likewise it will set.
everyday the birds will sing.
everyday the breeze will flow.

does one wake and thank the sun, the birds, the wind?
does one appreciate that which is always there, always expected?

what though, what would happen in the absence of these?
without the sun, the world is dark.
without the birds, the world is silent.
without the wind, the world is still.

one does not have a love affair with the earth.
alike, one does not long for such things within reach.
but when they are gone,
when the world is dark and silent and still,
the desire burns.

that flaw of human nature:
a want for what one cannot have.
only yearning for something once its gone.
yes, the desire burns deep.

self-resentment sinks in.
a hindsight view seems so clear.
why didn't one appreciate the sun's warmth before?
the bird's song is beautiful;
the wind's breeze, refreshing.

too little too late,
there is nothing one can do.
what is gone, is gone.
such a painful reality.

a new tattoo

Today finally came. I had been waiting to get this tattoo for some time and after a few income bursts I ended up with a little extra cash in my pocket and decided it was time for a new tattoo. Jesus is often depicted as an effeminate white dude in a robe carrying a lamb on his shoulders. This is not the carpenter who worked with his hands that scripture describes. This is not the guy who scared the sit out of the money changer in the temple. Today, tattoo #7 (the number of perfection) joined my body as badass Jesus. This is the kind of guy I could worship. This is the kind of guy who inspires others to follow.

So let me tell of the process. While I had much anticipation about this there was a little apprehension as well. I know these things hurt. In fact, I think it’s stupid when people ask if they hurt. Did they not wear a helmet as a child? Of course they hurt. A needle is dipped into ink and then repeatedly it outlines or fills a part of your skin with the ink. Fuck yeah it hurts. But it is a good kind of hurt. There is a heat and tickling sensation. Pain and pleasure are mixed in equal parts as you make a permanent statement with your body. Back to what happened today. Megan of Galaxy Ink in Ashland (go see her) shaved my calf and then applied the stencil she made. After filling in any marks that did not transfer she began the outline, words first then the face of Jesus. This hurt and felt good at the same time. I could see the skin raise into welts as the ink and needle did their magic. When the outline was finished she changed needle tips to one that had more needles for the shading process. She filled in all of the blank parts taking breaks every so often to wipe it down with what I term “wonder juice”. Not sure what this stuff is but I know it feels nearly as good as the climax of an orgasm as she wipes clean the area she has been working on and the cooling relief of this is immediate (I may have even moaned). There were areas of more intense pain, particularly toward the end but what a gift this was to have placed on my body.

A sacrament is an outward sign of an inward eternal grace. Today I received my seventh sacrament on my body. Thank God!

More writing from my daughter

A Friend Forgotten

What happens to a friend forgotten?

Does their smile fade away
like an empty bottle at sea?
Or dare to shine--
hoping to be missed?

Does their hope sink
like a brick in water?
Or harden the heart--
like a neglected child?

Maybe they just evaporate
like the morning dew.

Or do they reappear?

My daughter's writing

This is too good not to post

This was written by my oldest daughter:

a lost ambition

a pain so deep
time never truly heals
scars will form
and forever remind

walls are built
ever higher
daring to tear them down
an impossible task

so much beauty
misabused by fools
unknowing of
a permanent damage

unfair disadvantages lie
to those farther down the road
wanting only to love
but never given the chance

robbed of that opportunity
so deserved, but incapable
nothing else is desired
nor should it be

seeking only good
apart from the past
how though to prove
this time will be different?

such a large task
ambitious really
to think one can tear down
walls so long in place

after failure upon failure
the question is faced:
to persevere
or to walk?

shall one show love
in the darkest of times
prove a light
still exists

or is it enough
pain overwhelms
forcing a retreat
and accepting failure

the latter is decided
the less noble
head hung low
an empty handed quest

a return to nothingness
a lonely position
seeking only love
but receiving nothing in return

wanting to blame such fools
for ruining a beautiful opportunity
for creating such destruction
with no consequence to them at all

anger arises
amidst a flood of emotions
no one fully occupies
the consciousness

an irony takes place
in seeking to show love
oneself becomes injured
a heartbreak leaves a deep wound

the adventurer
becomes the recluse
their own wounds scar
their own walls rise

a vicious cycle
needing to be broke
hear me now, Hope! Love!
come light,
come

racism

I am sitting watching one of the most intense movies ever. tears keep coming to my eyes as I watch the hatred portrayed on the screen. Ed Norton is a great actor but the subject matter is almost too much to bear. i see this hatred and think about the people I love. I think about the beauty of their skin, the warmth in their eyes and the shit that they have to put up with that I will never have to, that I cannot comprehend, and that is part of who I am. hatred sucks whatever is the motivation and whatever is your race. what we need to hate is the things that God hates. we need to cry God’s tears. i know that my kids don’t see color and that makes me proud. I wish I could say the same thing for the rest of the world but I cannot. it hurts. I cry. I love.

Tonight I Cried

Tonight I sat on my daughter’s bed as she shared the heartbreak of losing a friend. No her friend is not dead, at least not clinically. She is dead in many other ways. She keeps people out, like my caring compassionate daughter. She is dead in the way that she believes everyone should look out only for themselves and not let anyone in. She is dead in her isolation, her cutting, her inward pain that she has walled off from herself and others to the detriment of my little princess’s pain. I hate it. I hate seeing her in this much pain. I hate that she is not in a place that I can protect.

So I sat there on her bed tonight, thinking of the day she was born (an emergency C-section). I held her in the hallway and cried. I told her I would take care of her, play games with her, dance with her, do nails and hair with her. I told her I would always be there for her. And as I held her in my arms tonight, the tough guy cracked and tears poured down my face to match her tears. We held each other. We cried together. And somehow, this eased her pain and I felt like I had done something. Not sure what. But I know one thing.

Tonight I cried.

Reading

Somehow I forgot to read
the words and thought in black & white
had gotten replaced by the business of life
and the shit that comes with it

I received a gift in a friend
I read her writing and was inspired
inspired to write, and more importantly
to read

So that’s what I’m doing again
I’m writing
But more importantly

I’m Reading

Church is?

• Church is a lot more than what we do on Sunday mornings.
• Church is more than organs & handbells.
• Church is more than guitars and drums.
• Church is not about rules and regulations.
• Church is messy.
• Church is about community - even with people we don't like.
• Church is about loving the unloveable.
• Church is about inviting people to a life that offers hope.
• Church is about following Jesus' example to spend time with the unclean.
• Church is about eating with sinners and tax collectors.
• Church is about Jesus and doing our best to be like him. If we would all do that, the world would be a better place

Let's try and not screw this up!